


The Relena

by alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Humor, M/M, Spoof, Yaoi, by Aoe, poem fic, unrequited Rx1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist/pseuds/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist
Summary: by AoeA spoof of Poe's 'The Raven', with a different sort of twist at the end...





	The Relena

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

  


Once upon a mission boring, while I labored, nearly snoring,  
  
Over stupid field reports that had been due the day before,  
  
While I typed them, barely conscious, sudden I heard a raucous,  
  
As some stranger caused a fracas, rattling my chamber door  
  
"Maybe it is OZ," I muttered, "or that guy from 204   
  
Heero wouldn't knock, that's sure."  
  
  
  
Ah, distinctly I remember all the guys we'd just dismembered  
  
Dead and dying OZ defenders; victims of this foolish war  
  
Eagerly we fought in battle, having listened to the prattle  
  
And the odd mechanical rattle of my partner's weird mentor   
  
Yes, that strange and screwy cyborg freak that Heero's working for   
  
Dr. J, he's such a bore.  
  
  
  
But Heero's work is never done and from the safehouse he had run  
  
And left me left me sitting to type _both_ reports of death and gore  
  
So I left my guest in torment, hoping to prolong the moment  
  
Pondering the visitor disrupting now my stupid chore.  
  
"Who the Hell is at my door?"  
  
  
  
Presently my game grew boring, so at last I ceased ignoring  
  
Whoever had pounded so intently at my chamber door.  
  
Pulling out my automatic, I hoped they wouldn't give me static  
  
Handguns can be quite traumatic when they greet you at the door.  
  
"A pleasant grin will reassure."  
  
  
  
As I flung the portal open, I'll admit I was still hopin'  
  
Maybe it was Heero who had ditched me here two days before!  
  
Silly though I knew the thought was, still I wished it were him because  
  
Fighting ain't the only thing that bod of his is perfect for!  
  
But alas my erstwhile lover wasn't in the corridor.  
  
It was _her_. The Princess Whore.  
  
  
  
Thoughts of Heero, lustful feelings, had me pointing at the ceiling  
  
Though my hands were clutching at the gun that I was scowling o'er.

_Damn!_ I thought, _this psycho hosebeast follows Heero where he goes, East_

_West, South, North, it makes no difference! Even though she knows the score!_  
  
Even though she knows that we've been lovers for three months and more!  
  
Maybe I'll just slam the door.

 

But, alas! Too long I dithered, and she wedged one fuschia slipper  
  
In the doorjamb - were I meaner, still I would have slammed the door.  
  
Then with all her haughty grandeur, did not pause to greet nor answer  
  
When I asked "Who bade you enter?" (Though my language was less pure.)  
  
Walked right in, as bold as brass, and took a seat without demure!

_On_ my _bed_! I hate her spoor.  
  
  
  
There she sat, expression proving there was no way she was moving  
  
With a sigh I braced to suffer torments I had faced before  
  
"Ne, ojou-san," I said, smiling, "Heero's not here. I'm not lying.  
  
He's not even hiding in the bathroom or behind the door!  
  
Maybe you could leave a note or tell me what you came here for?"  
  
Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."  
  
  
  
Then I frowned in consternation. Though Relena's conversation  
  
Oft leaves much to be desired, usually she says much more.  
  
Though I wasn't really bothered, still I wondered, still I pondered  
  
Why she wasn't shrieking at me as she'd often done before.  
  
She's not above an epithet or two, or three, or even four.  
  
Why no word but ‘Nevermore'?  
  
  
  
"Well, Relena-sama," I said, as she sat there (still on my bed)  
  
"If that's all you have to say, don't let me keep you! There's the door!"  
  
Then I wondered had I stuttered? She neither twitched nor even sputtered  
  
Underneath my breath I muttered, "How much more must I endure?  
  
Heero doesn't want you, so when will you leave us be, you whore?"  
  
Then the bitch said, "Nevermore."  
  
  
  
I'll admit I was embarrassed, though I'd often been thus harassed  
  
Never quite so blatantly had I expressed my thoughts before  
  
But remorse was quickly ended as she didn't seem offended  
  
So I scowled, patience ended, and began to pace the floor  
  
I was getting kind of nervous, wondering why she said no more  
  
Than ‘Never Nevermore.'  
  
  
  
So I paced, she sat, we stared, and all the while I compared  
  
Her actions now to what I had observed her do in times before  
  
I was growing now uneasy and, perhaps, a little queasy  
  
‘Twas no longer quite so easy my misgivings to ignore  
  
I was getting freaked out by the smug and twisted smile she wore  
  
And that damn word ‘Nevermore."  
  
  
  
But standoffs cannot last forever, so I, thinking, "Now or never,"  
  
Gathered up my scattered wits and quickly strode across the floor  
  
But as I walked she grabbed her purse and things soon went from bad to worse  
  
I halted quickly with a curse when she whipped out a .44  
  
How'd she fit that in her purse? And where'd she get a .44?  
  
Alas, no answers were in store.  
  
  
  
"Well, so much for pacificism," I declared with fatalism  
  
Worthy of my darling Heero who, I thought, would be quite sore  
  
To return after his mission to find me out of commission  
  
"Princess, think of your position! Don't be foolish, I implore!  
  
Drop the gun right now and this whole episode I'll just ignore!"  
  
Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."  
  
  
  
"Baka!" said I, "Are you mental? This just won't look accidental!  
  
Heero doesn't like you now! If you kill me, he'll hate you more!  
  
Really, babe, this crazy notion motivated by emotion  
  
Will not win you his devotion! You'll never be his amour!  
  
Can't you see that killing me will only your own death assure?"  
  
Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."  
  
  
  
I swore a bit and watched the nutcase cock the gun, a smirk on her face  
  
"I see your plan," I muttered, "You're not quite the fool I thought before.  
  
You knew I'd be alone today. You'll dump my body in the bay!  
  
But Heero might suspect foul play when I stay unaccounted for!  
  
Don't you think it's possible he'll track the crime right to your door?"  
  
Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."  
  
  
  
"All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy," I said, as Relena let fly  
  
With a bullet, which I dodged she's no great marksman, that's for sure  
  
I soon had my gun cocked and aimed she looked annoyed I wasn't maimed  
  
I smiled at her just the same. "Now listen up, bitch, here's the score!  
  
Heero's mine, so give it up and hustle your ass out that door!"  
  
Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."  
  
  
  
Heero walked in and I wondered how exactly I had blundered  
  
When he swept that smirking bitch up in his arms and out the door  
  
I was stunned. Could I be dreaming? There was momentary screaming.  
  
Then he walked back in, eyes gleaming in a way I'd seen before  
  
Nervously, I asked, "How long, you think, till she comes back for more?"  
  
Quoth my Heero, "Nevermore."  
  
---


End file.
